beberapa bulan yang lalu, sempet ikutan seminar (well lebih kayak sharing session sih) sama mbak kikau, seorang financial planner, dan kata-katanya yang paling aku inget sampai saat ini adalah:
"nggak salah kok pengen jadi orang kaya. biar nanti kalau ada yang butuh bantuan, gampang ngasihnya."
basically 'my life supporters' now are very, very kind people that believe in me and because of this, i realize that well, i still have debt and obligation to not betray their belief in me.
but yet, sometimes i feel unmotivated while this serves as a very, very good motivation.
sometimes i feel like i was lot, lot more stronger when i was younger; idk, maybe somewhere before my rebelling phase.
when i was in elementary school, my family was financially unstable. there were nights when i couldn't sleep well because we couldn't afford dinner and i was very hungry, but i had to endure and i was telling myself, tomorrow, i will have a breakfast. we will buy rice from the vendor next door, and even if i have to share my portion with my sister, it will be okay, it will be enough. i borrowed money a lot from my friends to buy food at the school, couldn't afford books and uniform every semester--i went to a private school so i didn't get any book subvention. we wore old clothes and worn out shoes. i even took my brother and sister to walk almost 10 kilometers to our grandparents' house since we had no food, no money, and our parents had overtime at their respective workplaces so they didn't come home for a night.
(actually remembering this made me want to cry every time)
once i asked my parents for one thing; a computer to write my stories. i love writing, and i thought, it would be easier to have a computer since hey, i could type it and send my stories to magazines or publishers, if my stories could be published i would make money for my family! i want to help them so bad. but, they still couldn't afford it to me, but my father who had computer repairing as his side job, allowed me to use the computers he repaired before he gave them back to their owners.
back then i was so motivated and passionate, i really believed that i would make good stories that will bring us money. the computers come and go, i have to burn my file into a cd and wait until my father got a broken computer to repair again. in the meantime, i wrote my stories on a book, and my classmates were always so eager to read those. i never complained when my cd broke or missing, i re-typed my stories with patience; since i was very confident that i will make a good stories, and help my family.
i don't know what was the turning point that turned me like this--being so negative, so lazy, so unmotivated. when i was in junior high, our financial situation did get better for a while--we could even afford our own computer and a ps2. that only last for at least half a year though, before suddenly storm hit back again, so we had to sell our house and most of our belongings, including our computer. i was already on teenager age, where emotional unstability is expected, and maybe because of that, my work ethic changed. my passion was still here, but hardly motivated. i became less of a hard worker, even if i got help from my relatives who provided me with laptop and another things that would make me motivated, but the motivation lasts only for a short span of time. i slacked off. that's why sometimes i asked myself, "should i really be helped?"
remembering this made me so ashamed and .... seriously, i am so damn proud of my old self, thinking that she maybe really feel disappointed seeing me, unmotivated and procrastinate, when she herself dreamed about being a good writer, the oldest daughter that would help her family's condition. seriously, i am really ashamed. with the flow of time i was expected to be better, better, and only better, and seeing myself right now ... well, the 10-years-old me would be very disappointed.
seriously, if the time machine does exist, i want to tell her this:
i am very proud of you,
from the crybaby 20-years-old sasha.
Category oke ini galau
... takut akan waktu yang tampaknya berjalan dengan begitu nggak nyante karena kadang-kadang aku menemukan diriku mengatakan, "wow. [insert nama kejadian/hari/bulan/tahun/jam] aja.". beberapa menit yang lalu aku juga begitu.
udah pengumuman snmptn lagi aja, perasaan baru kemarin aku guling-guling di kamar, nervous tingkat berat mau liat hasil snmptn.
sebenernya sih kalau gini jatuhnya bukan 'afraid' atau 'takut' ya. 'takut' itu kan sesuatu yang ditujukan pada objek yang jelas; perasaanku ini mungkin lebih tepat dibilang anxious. gugup. gelisah. cemas. pada sesuatu yang belum pasti terjadi di masa depan. waktu terus bergerak mengantarkan kita semua melaju ke depan sementara aku nggak tahu apa yang akan terjadi nanti dalam perjalanan, dan apakah aku mampu untuk menghadapi hal-hal tersebut, apakah aku layak, apakah aku siap.
intinya masih, masih banyak keraguan. mungkin dari akunya sendiri yang merasa belum berakselerasi secara signifikan. mungkin karena kadar neurotikku lumayan tinggi. mungkin karena diri sendiri yang denial dan pengen jadi anak kecil terus. mungkin karena ... mungkin, belum bisa sepenuhnya mencoba keluar dari comfort zone. karena pada esensinya, masa depan menawarkan tantangan. gimana caranya bisa menghadapi tantangan itu kalo hidup masih menye-menye seperti sekarang ini.
(can i pass as an independent, reliable adult? well ..................... i have to.)
rasa sakit itu ada sebagai tanda bahwa kita sedang menghadapi bahaya.
misalnya, keseleo, itu berarti ada sesuatu yang salah dengan persendian/susunan otot kita, yang artinya harus segera diperbaiki jika tidak mau berujung pada konsekuensi lain yang lebih besar.
mekanisme sakit hati gitu juga gak, ya?
beberapa minggu ini semacam dikasih sedikit pencerahan tentang berbagai hal, dan sekaligus menegaskan kalau there's always two sides of a story. jika dilihat dari lebih dari satu perspektif, suatu solusi bisa jadi dibilang tidak solutif. malah bisa jadi backlash tersendiri buat pihak-pihak yang terlibat.
contoh: seorang korban pemerkosaan disuruh nikah sama yang memperkosanya.
dulu waktu saya masih nggak tahu apa-apa, saya pasti mikir ya ini satu-satunya jalan. tapi beriring dengan bertambahnya umur dan ilmu, saya jadi tahu kalau hal itu nggak baik buat psychological well-beingnya korban. dia bakal terus dibayang-bayangin trauma.
tentu saja dipandang dari kacamata ilmu yang menekankan kesejahteraan psikologis manusia, jelas nggak.
lalu bisa nggak kita bikin solusi dengan mempertimbangkan berbagai aspek, nggak cuma 'gampangnya' aja?
(harusnya sih bisa)